The five problems a Mary-Sue might encounter in Middle-Earth
by Syngaly
Summary: It's not easy being a Mary Sue in Middle-Earth... So here are five problem that one may have to face when being the Oh so perfect tenth walker. Do not fret though, the last situation ends happily for everyone. Pure and unabashed crack :D


_**The five problems a Mary-Sue might encounter in Middle-Earth.**_

_Language.( because, yes it should be a problem)_

This day had started just like any other. I woke up, already perfectly dressed, with my make-up beautifully in place. I was ready for a glorious day that was sure to be as chipper as my mood. Just like it should be!

Leaving my perfect pink room (complete with a jacuzzi, of course) I greeted my little brother. He was just as adorable as always.(a perfectly normal behaviour, once you realized that I was the one who raised him) Entering the kitchen, I then started on a delicious breakfast composed of 36 chocolate brownies that did not alter my wonderfully sexy body. I was well on my way through the thirty-third, when a giant blue vortex suddenly popped into existence in front of me. Not baffled in the slightest when faced with this surprising event, I started to sing, causing all the birds from this part of the forest to start chirping around my head. I then decided to start wandering around. It was a beautiful day, after all! No need to waste it.

After a few minutes of walking around and enjoying the scenery, I suddenly stumbled on two hideous creature. I was about to greet them, when one of the two grumbled :

_\- " Hey, Fred, look at that googly eyed thing. Think it's edible ?"_

I did not understand him, but based on their looks, I wasn't missing much. And it was only a matter of time anyway, before I spoke their language perfectly. Pleased with myself, I shrugged and decided to bypass them, and simply be on my way.

Then, the second orc replied :

-_" Hey what about this: If it comes near us, we eat it. If not, who cares ? I don't have time to take care of every weak creature that comes here."_

_-" You ain't as stupid as I thought, Rob. Betcha it comes here."_

_-" You're on."_

While these digusting ...things were speaking, I was marching on, with grace and purpose to my steps...

**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggghhhhhhhhhhhh**

Time spent in Middle-Earth: 27 minutes and 30 seconds

* * *

_Too much charm really ain't good for your health_

\- "I will not stand to see this happen, Aragorn! Lady Melothriniel the sixth is mine to marry! She is simply perfect and I love her. As far as I know, you were not the one to sing her ballads and lullabies yesterday's eve!"

\- " And you're so much better suited for this, is that what you think ? Well, I won't let you do this! I love her with all my heart and nobody will stand between me and my intended! If you still refuse to see reason, then fight we shall!"

\- " So be it"

Standing just a few meters away, our bilingual Mary-Sue was sobbing. She didn't want to break the bonds of friendship between those two valiant men. And to think they were her favourite slash pairing too! Well, of course, when faced with the opportunity, she couldn't resist flirting a bit... Then again... who could have ? They were so sexy and manly and attentionate! And a beautiful girl – like her- needed love in this cruel, cruel world!

Her eyes blurred by the tears she was shedding, she couldn't see one of Legolas' arrows coming at high speed towards her heart. Aragorn, being the highly trained ranger he was, had managed to dodge this one, not thinking of who could be behind him. Her last dying sigh broke the heart of the whole Fellowship. They did not stay that way too long, freed at last from her spell.

Time spent in Middle-Earth: 2 Days, 18 hours, 33 minutes and 59 seconds.

* * *

_Clothing._

Legolas stopped still. In front of him stoop the Fellowship's newest wonder, exuding an aura of beauty. Her travelling tunic clung to all her curves, and her long legs were adorned with a pair of of high-heeled boots. She was truly a sight to behold. Never in all his life had he seen such a beauty! The elfs were twisted creatures when compared to her.

It was a slightly distracted Legolas that told our brave tenth walker that the Fellowship was about to head out to Khazad-Dum as per the Ring-Bearer's decision. She simply nodded, and they started walking, arguing pleasantly about one thing or the other to pass the time.

It was after many a long hour of tiring travelling ( and many other events we shall not talk about for the sake of the plot and the love between the two main protagonists ) that the company ended up running and jumping from one narrow staircase to the other with nothing but kilometers of empty space should they fall. Have you ever tried jumping from tiny step to tiny step on a shaking ground with Stiletto's ? Well it isn't a pleasant experience. Particularly when the heels break.

Because, dear friends, gravity always win.

Time spent in Middle-Earth: 3 Days, 7 hours, 12 minutes and 28 seconds.

* * *

_Lack of control._

The young woman was staring at the imposing beast in front of her, the giant white wolf staring back with his impressive golden eyes, clenching and unclenching his powerful jaw. Melothriniel the 9th was now sure of this : this beast was to be her magical companion.

Our brave main protagonist decided to take a few careful steps toward the beast. After all, it was her role and not Aragorn's, Gimli's or even Legolas' to protect the entirety of the Fellowship.

The wolf lowered it's head, growling softly, as though it was bowing to her. A bit more assured, she took a few more steps, never breaking visual contact with it.

The last thing the tenth walker saw was white fur. The everything dissolved into pain.

Time spent in Middle-Earth: 9 Days, 23 hours, 47 minutes and 02 seconds.

* * *

_Someone's problem can be someone else' happiness._

To fully understand this situation, one must return two hundred years in the past, when the Fellowship of the Ring was travelling through Middle-Earth whith the sole purpose of destroying Isildur's bane.

Frodo Baggins, a halfling and the Ring-Bearer, was slowly becoming more and more addicted to the One Ring. Naturally, seeing this, in her eternal kindness and goodness Lady Melothriniel the 13rd told Frodo that she could bear his burden in his stead, if he would let her.

In a great moment of OOCness ( from the Ring, Frodo, and the rest of the Fellowship) Frodo agreed, warmed by the kindness of such a gentle creature. For days and weeks, our Mary-Sue travelled through Middle-Earth, bearing the Ring and all it's burdens to Mordor. Of course, as many others before her, she failed to throw Isildur's Bane into the fires of Mount Doom. Using her super-power, she chose to escape instead and seek refuge under the Misty Mountains.

After a few centuries, she had lost some of her beauty, but her big 'violet-golden-blue' eyes remained, pretty and big as ever. She was of course devoting her life to the Ring, her _preciouuussss._

And that is how Gollum found her. As soon as he laid eyes on her, he was subjugated by her amethyst eyes and her beautiful body so similar to his. The same body Legolas fell in love with. Gollum could not resist: he immediately decided to court her.

After fifty years of a beautiful and lasting relatioship, Gollum, on a fish run, thought about a long forgotten ( to him) custom of his people: Marriage.

However, he soon realized he wasn't wealthy enough to buy a ring ( and where would he buy one, anyway? Ring making was not the trade of the Misty Mountains' goblins) and devised a great plan to propose to Golumia. Curled up around her, as they were every night, he waited until she was asleep to steal the Ring.

Then, he designed a small black box to put the ring in, and went to prepare a feast made of goblin flesh, mushrooms and fish. For such an occasion could not go uncelebrated, after all.

Gollumia accepted, and so, as it is in most fairy-tales, they lived happily ever after and had lots of little Gollums.

The One Ring being much too busy, it never returned to Sauron, and peace was back in Middle-Earth.

_**The End**_

_**Time spent in Middle-Earth: 351 Years, 321 Days, 21 hours, 25 minutes, 53 seconds..**_

54, 55, 56, 57...

* * *

Hello everyone! :) Hope you enjoyed this.

This was a fic I originally wrote in french two years ago. And today, rereading it, I decided: Hey, why not translate it into english ? So here we are …

Please forgive any spelling/ grammar mistake, seeing as english is not my first language.

Please leave a review, and a happy new year to everybody ! =D


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